Someone To Confide In

Another day, another blog 🙂

I’m sure you’ll grow tired of my posts, but I will press on! LOL

I’ve been talking to my little sister most of the day today and we mentioned the joy behind having people to relate to. We talk on this subject frequently; not only having someone to relate to but having someone to confide in whom we trust. Trust, for me, does not come easy at all and you may be like me as well. In addition I have many times felt misunderstood and unable to really find others to relate to. When we finally do find others we can trust fully, confide in and relate to, it gives us such a sense of comfort, peace and happiness. Those people are assuredly not taken for granted by us!

I believe blogging is an outlet in which people find others across the world that they can relate to. They may not know them very well, but they can read their writings and relate on personal levels. There is almost a sense of reassurance when you read someone else’s feelings and thoughts and realize, “hey, I’m not alone!” We get the same feeling from a select few in our lives as well, if we’re lucky enough to have people like in our lives! I am blessed to have a few people whom I can trust with anything. I can call them to vent to, laugh with, cry with or even just talk about nothing at all! I could not imagine my life without these individuals as they play a big role in my daily life.

It’s hard for me to type this out knowing that out there someone feels that all-consuming feeling of loneliness. They feel alone and cannot put their trust in anyone. They feel no one can relate to them. They may have no one or they may be surrounded by people who love them, but still they will feel these nagging feelings of isolation. I understand it can be a part of life; a process some of us go through. I wish no one had to feel that way. Many times, even with people around me, I would feel that way. I would be overwhelmed by these feelings that I was different and unable to really connect with another individual. A lot of times I believe we are under the impression that we are the only ones who feel not only these feelings but that we are the only ones going through the tough times we are. That’s why I’m such an advocate on being an open book and living as transparent as possible. I’m not implying to share your every waking moment, but sharing our struggles and feelings with those around us can give others that same sense of comfort and peace within. At the very least, if you can’t find that person, BE that person for someone!

I pray for all of you out there to have at least one person whom you can come to trust and come to about anything and everything. A person who brings a light of positivity to your life and even causes you to be overcome by joy just from simply talking to them or being in their presence. A person you can always look forward to chatting with or meeting up with. If you don’t have someone like that, I pray for God to lead them to you and your life! I would also like to point out that God can be that person for ANYONE. It may sound outlandish to some, but you can have a relationship like that with God. He is a constant; always there for you to confide in and trust. He is a constant source of peace, comfort and joy!

Much love and God bless! ❤

Empty Cup

Today I am feeling a bit overwhelmed. I have had a lot on my mind and I’m not sure where this post will lead, but I will just go whenever it leads.

I’m tired, pregnant, a wife and a mom of 2 younger boys…that should explain a lot lol but in addition to all of that, dealing with your average stressful situations can some days be overwhelming, especially for someone who is prone to worry and stress. Some days I feel I could take on the world, while others I feel I can barely get out of bed. Some days the boys play together wonderfully and other days they like to pester each other. Certain times I can get my house work done while most of the time I can get only parts done, if any at all. I can be extremely hard on myself and set too many expectations for myself as well. I feel the need to always get every thing done at once and I tend to overload myself. I think many of us mothers can have a tendency to overwork ourselves; we put too much on our plates and then feel like a failure of we didn’t get it all done. We are constantly working so you would assume we would cut ourselves some slack!

Although I lack a self-care routine, I find that it is a great idea if you can manage the time. Take a few moments to recharge and take care of yourself. Doing something for yourself seems so foreign to me; I am the one who takes care of everyone. I don’t just take care of my immediate family, but I am always there for any other family members or friends who need me, no matter the time or how busy I am or even how stressed or anxious I am; I make sure I help them all, even if they wouldn’t or don’t do the same! In a way it’s flattering and honoring to have so many people look to you in their times of need, but sometimes we have to be “selfish”, in a good way! If we don’t take care of our own needs occasionally, we won’t be able to effectively take care of the ones we love.

My prayer today is for anyone feeling overwhelmed and spread too thin! I pray that you are able to take a step back, breathe, recharge, re-center and get back at it with more confidence and less stress. May you tell yourself it’s alright if not every thing gets done in one hour or even one day! I pray you allow yourself to prioritize and come up with practical solutions that will alleviate your amount of anxiety, stress and worry.

Much love and God Bless ❤

4fe686b7-1a48-4675-bf2a-1abeca181a8b

Forgiveness

I’m certain that almost everyone, at one point or another, has struggled with my next chosen blog subject…

FORGIVENESS.

There are circumstances which can be easy to forgive, but then there are those very tough times that you almost have to force it out of yourself. Why can it be so easy and freely given on one hand and then completely the opposite on the other? Easy, there are some actions that are either done to us or someone close to us that just seem inexcusable. There are hateful words spewed about us or people we are close to that will never be forgotten. So what is forgiveness really? Does forgiveness mean we just accept the behavior and forget everything that was ever done or said and pretend none of it ever happened? My answer, no. To me forgiveness does not obligate you to forget anything and it most certainly doesn’t excuse a thing. I would never want forgiveness to be viewed as something that enables others to continue with their horrendous behavior. We can be the bigger person and choose to forgive, not only for the other person but even for ourselves. Carrying around hatred, resentment, hurt, sadness and all the other emotions towards a specific person(s), on a daily basis for extended periods of times, it can be draining emotionally and physically. It can alter your life in ways you may not even recognize. Sadly, in us holding on, it usually only affects us the most. Most of the time this other person who wronged you is out there able to live day-to-day without a second thought and you’re stuck here day today reliving the past and holding on to all those strong emotions. It reminds me of the quote I come across often, “Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.” How true that is to me. Why give someone the power to continue hurting you every single day? There are some people who wrong us and show honest remorse, then there are many others who could not care less about how they have wronged you. They believe you should just accept who they are and get over it. Usually those are the individuals who have been enabled most of their lives; excuses made for their repetitive disrespectful, hateful, ignorant and disgusting behavior. These can be the hardest people to forgive, as they truly see themselves as a constant “victim” instead of owning their own actions. They tend to speak on the effect of their actions and conveniently leave out the CAUSE. Often they place the blame everywhere else except where it should be placed.

So does forgiving a person mean you have to forget how they’ve acted towards you and treated you? Does it mean you have to let repeat offenders back in your life? My answer, no and no. None of us are perfect or without fault. Our job is not to judge each other but help each other out. Forgiveness is something we should give freely because it was freely given to ALL of us…but that’s not to say we have to constantly take and accept the same abuse. You will always remember the words or actions, that’s pretty much inevitable, but it shouldn’t be something you let control how YOU feel as a person. Forgiveness can be very freeing and you can give it without letting the toxic people back into your life. If someone demonstrates an unhealthy pattern in the way they treat you, you are in no way obligated to allow that person access to your life. They show you on a consistent basis how they prioritize not only your feelings but others as well. Forgiveness can still be given without giving this person or persons a key to your life. This should not make you feel guilty in the least because you are looking out not only for your well-being but the well-being of your family as well.

Even the silent forgiveness can be a battle. You want to forgive someone in your heart, but you just can’t seem to tell yourself that you forgive them. Truthfully I have struggled with forgiving certain people, as you could probably conclude from other blog posts of mine, but when I had finally forgiven after YEARS of holding on, it was like getting a breath in after being held under water. Some people I made aware I forgave them and others I have silently forgiven, but in both circumstances there are individuals I have not let back into my life and it was for the best. If these people don’t bring positivity to your life and help you grow as a person, what is their purpose? Why give them the honor and privilege of participating in and benefiting from your life?

I pray that anyone struggling with forgiveness finds a way to make it work for them. If you can’t bring yourself to do it for the individual(s) who have mistreated you, do it for yourself. Choose to improve your emotional and physical health and allow yourself to heal. Allow yourself to stop living in the past so you can be happy and fulfilled in the present. Don’t give those people any more power over you or your life. Forgiveness is something we have all needed extended to us at some point, but the important part is that the forgiveness is not taken for granted; you learn from it and show that by your actions and the way you continue living. It’s reminds me of what my husband tells our kids about saying sorry. What does sorry mean? Sorry means you feel bad for what you did and (the most important part) you won’t do it again. Someone who is honestly sorry and remorseful will show you by not repeating their negative actions. They will be sorry on their own, not solely for being called out for what they have said or done. They will allow you all the time and space you need; days, weeks, months and even years. They will know they have done wrong and caused pain and they will maturely accept the consequences of their actions. They won’t feel entitled to your forgiveness, they’ll feel blessed and honored you even chose to forgive them. It’s very easy, especially during this point, to tell a toxic person from a non-toxic person. A regretful person from a non-regretful person. While both types of people should be extended forgiveness, both are not owed a permanent residence in your life. I pray God guides you in your decisions and your forgiveness process.

With all of this said, NEVER cease praying for anyone, toxic or non.

Much love and God Bless. ❤🙏

This slideshow requires JavaScript.

Home School Blessing

Today officially marked the end of Kindergarten school work for my oldest son. This was his first “official” year of school and my first year as a home schooling parent! We made it! 😝 Home schooling definitely requires a lot of patience and energy, but it’s very much worth it in my opinion. I have been so blessed to have the choice to home school. I understand many mothers don’t have the option, and I am grateful to have this opportunity.

I wasn’t home schooled and neither was my husband. My brothers and I went to public school and most everyone I knew did. I don’t have anything against anyone who goes to public schools or chooses to send their kids there; it’s a family decision based on your unique family.

From the time my oldest son was born, I often thought of schooling for him. I thought it was this major life decision and in a way, I didn’t feel qualified to make that decision. A parent always wants to choose what they feel is best for their child and family; no parent wants to feel like a failure. I often tossed around the idea of home schooling especially as the school systems starting adopting different practices and as more and more events unfolded in the world around us. I just seemed to start feeling a tug at my heart as he grew. I felt such anxiety as he neared Kindergarten age because I felt like I knew what I should do and what I felt led to do, but my husband was still on the fence a little. When the time came, we decided as a family that home schooling would be worth the chance, and I could not be happier with our family’s decision.

I’m not saying we chose home schooling to shield our son from the world, quite the opposite actually. In home schooling we believe it gives a chance to experience the real world and learn at a pace the child is comfortable with. No pressures to perform as well or better than another; you work to be better than yourself on the previous day. His intelligence isn’t measured by his grades. He is able to explore the world around him and have time to play outside more, plant a garden, learn to cook, go on nature scavenger hunts etc. It’s be wonderful to have the extra time as a family and for us to take trips together and still have him learning in the process.

But won’t home schooling make him “socially awkward” or “weird”? Compared to what exactly? Is the majority of this world supposed to be considered “normal”? If so, I could only hope my child would be labeled awkward, weird or different. There are many opportunities im every community to get socialization in, if that is something you’re dead set on. I believe it holds some importance, but I don’t believe it’s quite the crisis it’s often made out to be. If that is something that holds you back from home schooling, please research more and don’t let that keep you from decided home schooling!

Don’t get me wrong, it’s not all sunshine and daisies! You’ll have your hard days but they won’t all be bad. You’ll have days where you don’t feel good or don’t feel up to teaching. There will be days where your patience is thin and your child or children don’t feel like doing school. This happens with most children I know, whether public, private or home schooled! In the end, when you see your child read for the first time or breeze through their math equations or learn something completely new to them, you’ll have such an overwhelming sense of pride. You’ll be proud of them and also be proud of yourself because you helped your child learn and succeed. It’s very rewarding.

If anyone reading this is contemplating whether to home school or not, I urge you to give it a go! Research all the activities your communities offer, the home schooling groups in your area and all the many options that are now out there for home schooling families. It won’t always be easy, but it will be very much worth it! Even my son is looking forward to beginning his first grade materials! I would call that a success 😊❤🎉

I pray for anyone who is stuck when it comes to deciding what type of schooling is best for their family. May you all be guided in the best direction for your family and may you all have peace in your decision. It’s not easy being a parent and we often have to make tough decisions…but I know we all make those decisions with our family’s best interest at heart. ❤

Much love and God Bless!

Random Acts of Kindness

Today I’m going to shift gears a bit. I have been blogging more on serious issues, which I have no problem with, but sometimes you have to break it up a bit 😊 I think today shall be about kindness.

I often challenge others to go out and compliment at least one person; someone you know well or even someone you don’t. We never know what anyone else is feeling or what they’re enduring in the moment and our one act of kindness can have much more of an impact than we could ever comprehend. A compliment is just the beginning, but I am an advocate for any act of kindness. We can pay for someone’s lunch without them knowing, offer our assistance to someone we see who may need it, say something positive to someone, hand out “blessing bags” to people we see in need, hold the door for someone or simply just offer a smile to everyone we come in contact with or even pass by. The littlest actions can cause the biggest influence. It’s never about being recognized for your good deed, but imagine someone noticed what you were doing, it could potentially cause a ripple effect! What a wonderful tradition for not only adults to adopt, but children as well! Kindness is never overflowing in today’s world, but maybe that’s what we can aim for!

Not everyone will show gratitude. Not everyone will be thankful for your kindness, but my advice? DO IT ANYWAY. Be a blessing that someone else needs in their lives.

We grew up with not a lot of money. We were on welfare at certain times when my dad would be in between jobs. We used the assistance until we could get back on our feet, then we would not use them any more. When we were younger it wasn’t as convenient either…no card. We had what looked like monopoly money that you had to tear out individually when you paid for your groceries and I believe had to sign each “bill”. We would have only one car, never a working air conditioner and living in FL in constant heat, that’s a bummer. My parents would sometimes wonder how bills would get paid, but God always provided. My mom always somehow “magically” made the little bit of money we had stretch to feed our family of 5. So we were thankful to always have food on the table. My parents would be unable to pay a bill and all of a sudden a check would come in the mail and again, God provided. I bring this up because random acts of kindness made all the difference to us. We grew up near another family, a family of 7 I do believe 😝 and they were and are some of the nicest people I have ever known. They are always willing to help anyone in need. We struggled with cars a lot and working, dependable vehicles. One evening the father of the family came by and said to my dad, come with me. So I and I believe one of my brothers went with him and couple of his sons to head somewhere unknown to us. We ended up at a car lot where my dad was to sign papers for a used car this family had purchased for us. One act of kindness can change your whole outlook on life and how you view the people around you. I have no doubt that not growing up with a lot and having been witness to this family’s random acts of kindness resulted in my passion to continue and return the same to others, especially those in need.

I am thankful every single day for the life I have been given, even with all the good and bad. I am grateful beyond words and don’t take any thing for granted. I am blessed to be able to help others when they need it, and that’s one more point I’d like to add. Random acts of kindness can cost us money in some cases or examples I have you, but there are also random acts of kindness that cost nothing. You can offer your help and your time and that smile never costs a dime 😊❤ I would love you to take that challenge and comment back to this blog and tell me about your random act of kindness and how it played out. 💚🙏🙌

10592835_10152244751921179_3087110807169606541_n

A Tough Topic

7a7e427005c3cc1fe5d19ed465670084

It’s very early morning, but I’m feeling led to venture down a certain path most people would choose not to talk about…

Suicide, Suicidal Thoughts and Suicidal Tendencies.

I get it, it’s not one of the most upbeat subjects to discuss, but not every conversation is meant to make you feel comfortable; some are meant to stir up your emotions and be thought-provoking and hopefully inspiring. Sharing our most vulnerable moments in life will likely be what other’s need to hear most.

As most of you probably have figured out by the majority of my posts, I am, in fact, a Christian. I obviously do believe in God and I was raised in a loving home. From the outside looking in, most would wonder what would cause someone with a life like me to even come close to having to deal with this subject matter. Let me say this first, Christians definitely aren’t perfect, much like everyone else. We all have our flaws and we all deal with problems and hardships differently. Being a Christian doesn’t make any if us immune to any kind of problems in life, but it can change our perspective and how we approach our own issues. We definitely fall, and many of us over and over…but we’re all on a unique path and on different maturity levels when it comes to our faith. So with that said, I’ll share my own personal experience on the topic.

As previously mentioned, I come from a loving intermediate family. Two parent household and my parents have been together for many years and still are. I grew up with two older brothers, so being feminine was never really an option 😂 I had to keep up with the boys and being rough and tumble wasn’t an option, it was necessity! 😝 We went to church on a regular basis; every Sunday and almost every Wednesday. Our small church felt more like a family than anything else. It truly was one of a kind. I also went to one elementary school, one middle school and one high school, never changing schools, so I had that stability too. I even had friends who went through each grade with me from the start. I was always close with my parents, a handful of other relatives, some teachers and I had friends…so why did I get to a point where I felt alone and misunderstood?

There’s been a few instances in my life where this topic of suicide, suicidal thoughts and tendencies has been most prominent. First I start with a middle school aged me. When we’re younger, we’re led to believe adults are rather truthful. They tell us things that will help us out and they are there to guide us in life, but not all adults are good spirited and not all have the best intentions. I don’t want to seem as if I am bad mouthing my family, but I am being honest…parts of my extended family are very harsh critics. There are some whom have always been negative and hateful, not only about other people they know but towards each other too. They magnified your “flaws” yet conveniently forget to ever acknowledge their own. I was often compared to someone else in my family, whom I love dearly. As all of us know, every person is built different. I remember as early as 8 being ridiculed for how I looked in a swim suit just swimming at my grandmother’s house. Now when I was 8 I was about 57 pound and really wasn’t a “big” person at all. At 8, I didn’t have that thought process though, I trusted that I was being fed the truth by an adult who should have loved me, but obviously did not. We would have holiday meals and even meals together after church on Sundays at times, and you’ll even be criticized for how much you put on your plate and if you get up for seconds, “you’re gonna get fatter eating that!” Yes, fattER as in you’re already fat now and more food is just going to add to your “problem”. I think of how different it would be had I been the person I am today back then; but I was still young. All of this criticism was constant and repetitive and at such a young age you foolishly start to believe the words being said about you. You now grow up believing you’re fat, ugly and you are left with zero self-esteem. Broken even before leaving elementary school. Fast forward to middle school me. Many children I know all go through that awkward stage where they’re in the middle of growing and their bodies are fluctuating and maturing and that only further aggravated the issues I already had. Siblings tease you on a regular basis, although not trying to add to your pain intentionally, they can mimic some things you’ve heard for years now and the self esteem has no chance. I don’t believe my brothers to have meant to hurt me with their words deeply, but their words stirred the echoes of the ones who did mean to. After years of hearing so many things wrong with my appearance: my weight, my skin, my teeth, my hair etc. one day (in 8th grade I believe) I felt like I had enough. I thought to myself what’s the point of being here; being alive to be the punching bag for others? It seems so trivial, but look at how bullying has come to the spotlight. Bullying happens not just at school or by classmates but by family members at get togethers or even worse, for some it happens in their own homes by their own parents. I felt alone, I felt hurt, I felt confused and I felt like a burden. I somehow convinced myself that lives around me would improve if I took my own life. We grew up having guns in our house and being around guns, and our parents always kept the guns put up. Being in middle school, you are kind of old enough to find the gun and maybe even sneak it off. Now, a gun I got a hold of may not have killed me, could have hurt me bad but who knows if the handgun would have done what I intended it to. I found it, brought it back go my room and crying I held this gun to my temple with my finger on the trigger. All these thoughts flooded my mind instantly..a mix of insults and comparisons. In one moment, I felt a tug at my heart. I felt a presence with me and my mind went to people close to me and I could see clearly how they would be affected. What if it hurt more people instead of improving their lives. In an instant, finger still on the trigger, I had this moment of clarity and I didn’t feel alone in that moment. In my heart I 110% believe it was God stopping me because He had better plans for me and my life. So after more tears, I gathered myself and snuck the gun back and never spoke of that incident. I felt ashamed.

Now onward we go into high school years. I was definitely not a “school spirit” type of person. Wasn’t part of a popular group nor did I desire to be. I was very much my own person and I wasn’t afraid to let my differences show. Still had friends, made good grades yet I fell down the same rabbit hole again. In my opinion, high schoolers are still confused on who they are as a person, but I was already there, I knew who I was and I had for a long time. You meet people who try to convince you that you would be better if you were different from how you are. I always had confidence to tell those types of people to take those conversations elsewhere because I was stronger than that. Why as a teenager do we let people we think we “love” alter our perceptions of ourselves. Our willingness and eagerness to change becomes annoying. Trust that we rarely give is suddenly freely given and then shattered into a million pieces. Previous friendships we believed we may have had before dating are betrayed and broken beyond repair. Here we are again, rejected, criticized, hurt and alone again. The story repeats itself. I let some people into my life and my heart that never deserved it. I was essentially that 8-year-old girl again, hanging on every word this person(s) said. Trying to fit into their image of what “pretty” or “beautiful” was. Little changes here and there and before you know it, you’re not yourself at all, but the person you believe you love is now more interested. That should be a red flag telling you to forget all of this, but sometimes we are simply ignorant. Persuasion and pressure, they cause you to find yourself in situations you have no way out of. You can be told “if you do this, then I believe you like me” “if you so this I probably will date you” “if you don’t do this I’ll never talk to you again”…yet, either way, you end up alone so it never really mattered. I know I am somewhat vague on this specific circumstance, maybe I will open up about it further in the future because it is something others go through as well. This situation led me to lose all care about myself and my well-being. I began being reckless and stupid. I would get sloppy drunk and find myself unable to lift my own head out of my vomit. I would once open my eyes and be laying in the middle of a road at night, anyone could had hit me and been unaware I was even in the road. I once went to climb off a 3rd floor balcony, but luckily was stopped in the process. I believe my lowest point was being so drunk and sick that I was shaking and unable to get up, so I had to crawl to the bathroom and no one would help. I remember laying there and thinking what am I doing? I was so scared and again, felt alone. All I wanted to do was call my parents to come get me, but I didn’t want to disappoint them because I had already disappointed myself enough. I prayed, CONTINUOUSLY, for God to let me survive that night; let me get out of here and I promise I’ll never drink again. To this day, I choose not to drink.

At some point in high school, I would start with the self harm. What would be categorized as “suicidal tendencies”. I started down the cutting route. It got to a point where I could walk in a room and see all the options of sharp objects I could use. I always cut in places you couldn’t see or that would be easily concealed: Bottom of the foot, palm of the hand, upper arm and hip. I used items like: seam rippers, broken pen shafts, scissors, broken cds, just whatever I could get my hands on really. Luckily, for me, it never went too far. It was many times about numbing myself. Feeling the physical pain would help me escape the emotional pain I felt at the time, thus the appeal. An escape. An easy way out. I met my now husband not long after that period of time and I credit him for opening my eyes and making me realize this could not continue.

The quote at the top of the blog represents advice I would give my younger self. There will be very dark times in most everyone’s life, but knowing that the darkness will eventually fade and the pain that’s consuming you today will ease and even subside, that information can make all the difference. Even the people you find to be the happiest and funniest, the ones who thrive on building others up and making others laugh, the ones who come from great homes…those people struggle too, in fact, they may just be some of the ones who are struggling the most. My story did not end and now I can be that light in someone else’s darkness. The beacon that leads them out of the water and onto the shore. Your story doesn’t have to end and it DOES get better. You are worth more than you believe.

Go out and speak with love. Go out of your way to let others know they are loved and cared for. Do something nice for a stranger. Ask someone if they need help, if they’re okay. You never know the profound impact one simple caring act can have. You may just restore hope in someone who believes there is none left.

My prayer for everyone today is that you have confidence in who you are on the inside and out. I pray that when you’re facing difficult times you find someone and confide in them. My hope is that you pray and know your prayers are important enough to be heard. I want all of you to acknowledge your strength, courage and importance. We all have a purpose for being alive. Each one of us has a unique gift and we can’t give up before even finding out what it is. Our gift will help so many others as well as ourselves. You are loved. You are important. You are cared for. You are seen. You are heard, even in your silence.

It does get better…that’s a promise.

Much love and God Bless

“What Ifs” and Worst Case Scenario Mindset

I’m sure this can correlate with my fear post, but totally unintentional.

I can tell you I live in the world of “what ifs” and I am always thinking ahead and trying to plan for the worst case scenario because, to me, it WILL happen. This can most definitely go hand in hand with the anxiety and panic disorders, but I know others without those disorders who also relate.

Avoidance is one of the worst things you can practice when it comes to anxiety and panic, it only feeds that fear or anxiousness more. You want to familiarize yourself with your fear and in most cases even doing whatever action scares you or causes these “what ifs” and worst case scenario thinking. I will need something as simple as groceries, but I tell myself I cannot go today because my husband isn’t with me and what if I get into an accident on my way. My husband will want to take the interstate to get somewhere faster, but we can’t because some type of Final Destination-type accident will occur. I’ll think one of the semi trucks will hit us or a gas truck will explode near us or when we go over a bridge we’ll go off the side and how will I get both my sons and myself and possibly my husband out. It truly can be a vicious cycle…if you let it consume you and dictate where you will go and what you will do. I myself am still very much a work in progress, so please don’t feel like I am speaking as someone who is “over it”…you’ll never be over it, but you can be in control of it. There are just so many examples I could throw out there…avoidance of dental work because of what may go wrong (but most likely never will), avoidance of doctor check ups because you may find out something is wrong, avoiding going certain places because someone may go on a shooting spree or a bombing may happen. It’s stuff we worry about more so now because we see it on the news ALL the time. Should we let it control our lives though? It goes back to us wanting to be in control, convincing ourselves we’re in control, but we aren’t. That’s the truth, not one of us can control what happens to us. In some cases we can be, to a point, but only God truly knows what will happen before it happens.

Here’s a nice “what if” question…what if, in your avoiding accidents and the worst case scenario, you actually cause the worst to happen when it wouldn’t have? So many times this happens; something worse happens trying to avoid something that probably never would have even occurred! We focus so much on avoiding potential danger that we don’t live and experience. It truly seems like a waste when you sit and dissect it, doesn’t it? How many people are out there have serious illnesses with no cure or have serious disabilities yet they are living more than people like me, or maybe even like yourself?

I know I am so adamant on my children not learning from my anxiety, my fears, my avoidance, my worries etc. That gives me a special drive I wouldn’t have without them. I do the best I can to mask myself at certain times, but when you’re a stay at home mom and home schooling mom as well, the kids are always with you and sadly there are times they see you at your worst. In some of those moments I try to explain to my oldest about what’s happening and what are some ways to help someone else if he ever knows anyone with anxiety or the other conditions we have discussed. I don’t want to completely shield them, because maybe one day they can help someone who needs it. Maybe they will have that extra patience, empathy and love as their father does. However, I do not want them to fall into the same patterns. I wish for them to recognize and break the pattern. I want them to live without letting fear or anxiousness guide them.

It’s not only avoidance. There are times I can sit and be lost in thought of something bad happening to someone so close to me. I envision these horrible accidents and even death. It’ll bring you to tears, but it’s a bit like torturing yourself. It’s something that just happens, I’m not sure why, but people with a mindset like me can fully understand and relate.

Why do we let these thoughts in? Do we not have control over our own thoughts and mind? The beauty is, we do! We can choose to not let our thoughts drift to the doom and gloom. We can recognize it happening and turn it around, get our minds busy and refocused on something else. Much like with anxiety, refocusing exercises can be so helpful! I often pray in times that my mind starts to go over to “the dark side” and ask for my mind to be filled with things more positive and uplifting, knowing that He is working for me and has my best interest at heart. It can be like a boulder being lifted off your shoulders. Rejuvenating. You can also practice yoga, meditation, coloring/drawing, writing/journaling, going for a walk outdoors, exercise…something that refocuses your energy and helps you re-center. It can be easier said than done, but give it a shot and maybe not immediately, but over time you will start to see a difference. It’s very similar to trigger recognition in anxiety and panic; you start noticing the start of things that cause you to spiral and you can more quickly reverse them as you learn more about them and their origin.

My prayer for all of you today is that you all find solace in God and any one or all of those activities to refocus and re-center your minds. I am a huge advocate for the power of prayer; it has helped me tremendously, along with my faith and I cannot stress enough how without them, I would not be here today! I want all of you to live your lives to the fullest every single day, without letting your fears, your what ifs, your worst case scenario mindsets to dictate your days, weeks, months or years. I desire all of you to have confidence enough to step out of your comfort zones and explore the world around you, even if it means exposure to a fear or avoidance. Baby steps start off small and shaky, but as time progresses they get stronger and more steady. Please feel free to comment and let me know a fear/avoidance that you chose to face after reading this! I would love to hear about it! Much love and God Bless!

106dc96c1fd3df6be80aee65cab17019

FEAR. The underlying culprit of many conditions!

FEAR.

Fear is something I will most assuredly discuss off and on for as long as I have this blog running. Every single person out there has at least ONE thing they fear or are afraid of. For some of us, like myself, we have a plethora of fears. I know there are people out there who claim not to be afraid of anything; they fancy themselves immune to fear. But here’s a question, what does fear look like? I can guarantee that when asked about fear, most of us think of phobias…spiders, darkness, snakes and it’s usually either childhood type phobias or all that is creepy and crawly. What if I told you fear is less obvious than your basic phobia. What if I told you it was the underlying culprit to many conditions?

I have anxiety, but more than that, I have anxiety disorder. I have panic attacks, but not just panic attacks, panic disorder. I have also endured depression, which anyone who has depression knows it doesn’t magically disappear, but it can go dormant as I refer to it. Just to reiterate, I don’t make posts like these for sympathy, I make them for one simple reason: to help others. Now, with that said, I want to touch on something for a moment before continuing on to fear. Over the last few years I have noticed many people saying they have “anxiety”. While they may feel the “normal” feeling of nervousness or uneasiness associated with your average person, the simple fact is it’s not consuming them. It’s not debilitating to them. It doesn’t affect their daily lives and paralyze them. It doesn’t morph them into a person whom they can’t even recognize in the mirror. I am not trying to judge another in any way, but when you actually have anxiety and panic disorders, it’s easy to recognize the authentic from the ones who nonchalantly throw the terms around. I’m very confident in the near future I will blog further about my experiences with anxiety and panic disorder, but let me get back on track to fear. The reason I brought up anxiety, depression and panic is because they all stem from fear in some form or another. In my case, lack of being in control is also a factor. Think about it for a minute, those of us with anxiety and panic disorder have many fears. We fear losing control/going “crazy”, others being able to tell something is wrong with us, things happening to us that are out of our control, having some sort of serious illness, no one believing us and our feelings and the list goes on. For myself, at an extremely bad time with my anxiety, I was like a zombie…lifeless. I sat there with no emotions on my face at all, no matter who talked to me or attempted to, I just looked off and never even acknowledged their presence. I wouldn’t eat because I believed I was allergic to anything and everything. I feared going outside of the house because all kinds of things could potentially happen to me. I missed many days of work because I feared leaving the couple of people I deemed my “safe people” who I found some sort of comfort in. I thought every day was my last day. I hardly slept at night because I was convinced I would die in my sleep. My body would go into uncontrollable shakes which weren’t as severe as seizures, but resembled them in certain small aspects. Fear plays a significant role in panic and anxiety disorders. Depression, in many cases, can be caused by fear. Some fear speaking up for themselves or speaking up about their past traumatic experiences and that can cause them to fall into depression.

I was asked, “What if you woke up tomorrow and all your fear was gone, what would you do?” My answer was, “I would live.”

It seems like an odd answer, considering I am literally alive…but often times I am not living. Many times I am controlled by fear; I let it dictate my life. It tells me where I will go, what I will do. In certain times it becomes all-consuming and I lose myself. I become a shell of a person, unrecognizable to those who know me best and love me most. When you’re in those hours, weeks, months or even years, you can become so discouraged. It’s easy to tell yourself that you’re “crazy” and “broken” and you’ll “never be the same” and you’re not “normal” (whatever normal is!) kind of look at that last one as a positive 🙂 None of those are true statements. You have the ability to come back from all of it. I don’t want others to live in that constant struggle every single day. It’s like having to be a fighter every single day, whether you want to fight or not and you have no choice. It gets to a point where you just say, “I don’t want to fight anymore” and that is when you start to lose yourself. It’s not easy at all and it’s not “all in your head.” I quote movies A LOT and when referring to anxiety and panic I will use a quote from Titanic, “All the while I feel like I’m standing in the middle of a crowded room screaming at the top of my lungs, and no one even looks up.” People feel like if they cannot see physical signs of your condition, you don’t really have any issues. They are conditions that others cannot fathom because they have never truly felt them.

The most important message I want to put out there is that there IS hope! You can come back and learn how to control your fears. I am not saying you will be “cured” or you won’t have times where you revert back, but you’ll have more confidence in your fight and in the end you’ll be the one still standing. Personally, I would not be where I am today without my faith in God and actually, I would not be alive at all. God has protected me through so much in my life, and it’s amazing to look back on certain situations I have been in and realize I made it out. God does not want us to live in fear, but to come to Him with anything that is troubling us.

I’m not sure if any of this was very cohesive, hopefully it made some sort of sense 😉 I would urge all of you to think about you fears and how big of a role they play in your life. Try to learn more about the triggers of your fears and work on getting to know yourself more. The more you learn about yourself and your fears, the more you’ll be able to work on them more effectively. I believe in the power of prayer as well. Take time to bring your worries and fears to God and watch how He works in your lives and uses you to help others. Much love and God Bless. ❤